Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Joys and Guilt of Motherhood

Does it tell you anything when I say that I have been writing this post for 3 days?  I start writing, and just as quickly am pulled away for feedings, diaper changes, homework and hugs.  Before Morgan was born, my mother jokingly said to me "You cannot consider yourself a mother until you have two children".  I laughed when she said it, but am quickly learning that there was some truth to her words.  Now, of course, I am not in any way trying to insinuate that those of us with only one child are not mothers, but the dynamic in our household has certainly changed now that we have two.  I feel like I need to write about this - and think for the first time since starting this blog, I need to be completely exposed and vulnerable.  I may get some hate comments, but hey, this is me.

I feel somewhat blessed that Morgan was born during the school year.  I'm not sure how I would juggle all of the feedings (he is an eating machine) and having to entertain and give attention to a 5 year old while being EXTREMELY sleep deprived.  I think I would seriously lose my mind.  I keep catching myself snapping at Addison and barking orders at her - and I feel terrible.  I feel like all I do is yell at her, and she a great kid!  But, I have noticed it - and I'm working on it.  I do not in any way want her to feel left out or resentful towards her brother.  Next week she is off from school for spring break, which should prove interesting.  I'm hoping we can spend the week bonding and enjoying some fun activities - she needs some quality time with her mommy.  I just feel so guilty when she asks me to do something with her (always in the middle of feeding Morgan) and I have to tell her to wait.  Wait, wait wait - all that poor kid does is wait lately.  GUILT.

On the baby front - tired does not even begin to describe me lately.  I decided to breast feed, and it's flipping hard.  Not gonna lie.  I almost threw in the towel so many times, but have stuck it out so far.  I have shed many a tear over it during the last few weeks, but feel like it's starting to come together.  There are many times though that I have cringed when Morgan starts crying to eat - it's plain painful sometimes.  I'm tough though, and I think I can get through it.  GUILT.

No matter how tired I get, when I look at my sweet children I see how blessed we are.  They are healthy and happy, and they bring such joy to our lives.  I never would have known that these two little beings could fill up my heart so much.  And my hubby?  He has been such a godsend over the past few weeks (months really).  He has been so supportive, helpful and encouraging - I don't know what I would do without him.  I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again. 

Wow - my hormones are in overdrive.  I'm gushing here.  Isn't it incredible how you can feel so many emotions at once?  I feel like such a sap. Being a mom of two is such a change.  I am confident that we will get into a groove and things will get easier.  In the meantime I need to enjoy this time with a newborn.  He will never be this small again.

Speaking of which, he's fussing again.  Poor little man has the hiccups (for the second time today).  He hasn't slept all morning - I need a shower!!  C'mon Morgan - sleep!!



  1. I'm sure it's tough with two. Good for you for not throwing in the towel with nursing. I swear it was the hardest thing I ever did...so I feel for you! I threw in the towel after five months and was proud I made it that far. Megan

  2. I only have one but you put into words EVERYTHING I've been feeling with my 2 year old over the past few weeks. I remember my mom saying some days, "I feel like all I do is yell" and I'm starting to know what she meant! Luckily, I don't actually REMEMBER my mom yelling much, so I'm hoping that's how it is with my daughter ;) It's just so EASY to lose patience! Between discipline & the every day goings on with a two-year old, I'm definitely feeling that motherhood guilt most days. Awesome post! I'm sure you're doing great and are a FABULOUS mother!

  3. Oh Jenny , how I know that feeling...I had three all under 4 at one point...sigh...but you'll get in the groove soon enough...I think guilt is something we all feel...you're doing great! I didnt have a blog when my kiddies were little but I can tell you I probably would not have been able to do it....I admire these super mom bloggers.... My babies are now 11,9,8 and I miss their littleness...so enjoy while you can...xo

  4. babies do change our life & the adjustment isn't always fun! breast feeding is work the 1st six wks but generally, after that it becomes a breeze & hope this will happen for you ( i breast fed our 5 kids). i'm rooting for you! Esther