The Joys and Guilt of Motherhood

Does it tell you anything when I say that I have been writing this post for 3 days?  I start writing, and just as quickly am pulled away for feedings, diaper changes, homework and hugs.  Before Morgan was born, my mother jokingly said to me "You cannot consider yourself a mother until you have two children".  I laughed when she said it, but am quickly learning that there was some truth to her words.  Now, of course, I am not in any way trying to insinuate that those of us with only one child are not mothers, but the dynamic in our household has certainly changed now that we have two.  I feel like I need to write about this - and think for the first time since starting this blog, I need to be completely exposed and vulnerable.  I may get some hate comments, but hey, this is me.

I feel somewhat blessed that Morgan was born during the school year.  I'm not sure how I would juggle all of the feedings (he is an eating machine) and having to entertain and give attention to a 5 year old while being EXTREMELY sleep deprived.  I think I would seriously lose my mind.  I keep catching myself snapping at Addison and barking orders at her - and I feel terrible.  I feel like all I do is yell at her, and she a great kid!  But, I have noticed it - and I'm working on it.  I do not in any way want her to feel left out or resentful towards her brother.  Next week she is off from school for spring break, which should prove interesting.  I'm hoping we can spend the week bonding and enjoying some fun activities - she needs some quality time with her mommy.  I just feel so guilty when she asks me to do something with her (always in the middle of feeding Morgan) and I have to tell her to wait.  Wait, wait wait - all that poor kid does is wait lately.  GUILT.

On the baby front - tired does not even begin to describe me lately.  I decided to breast feed, and it's flipping hard.  Not gonna lie.  I almost threw in the towel so many times, but have stuck it out so far.  I have shed many a tear over it during the last few weeks, but feel like it's starting to come together.  There are many times though that I have cringed when Morgan starts crying to eat - it's plain painful sometimes.  I'm tough though, and I think I can get through it.  GUILT.

No matter how tired I get, when I look at my sweet children I see how blessed we are.  They are healthy and happy, and they bring such joy to our lives.  I never would have known that these two little beings could fill up my heart so much.  And my hubby?  He has been such a godsend over the past few weeks (months really).  He has been so supportive, helpful and encouraging - I don't know what I would do without him.  I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again. 

Wow - my hormones are in overdrive.  I'm gushing here.  Isn't it incredible how you can feel so many emotions at once?  I feel like such a sap. Being a mom of two is such a change.  I am confident that we will get into a groove and things will get easier.  In the meantime I need to enjoy this time with a newborn.  He will never be this small again.

Speaking of which, he's fussing again.  Poor little man has the hiccups (for the second time today).  He hasn't slept all morning - I need a shower!!  C'mon Morgan - sleep!!

XOXO...Yawn